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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Scars

Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded...On the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas, or honors, but for scars.             Brennan Manning


When my husband and I were first dating and getting to know each other better, we spent an afternoon pointing out our scars and sharing the stories behind them.

The truth is, our scars tell the stories of where we've been and who we are.  I have a scar on my finger from when my brother and I both foolishly stuck our finger into an open pop can.  Neither of us were willing to pull our finger out first, knowing whoever did would get cut.  I finally did and have a scar to prove it. I was so mad at him that day!  I have scars from childbirth, surgical scars and even scars from burning myself while cooking.

The scars you can't see are the ones that truly tell who I am.

I have emotional scars from my childhood.  The little girl in me remembers the pain like it was yesterday. As an adult, I am responsible for how I respond to the painful memories. I can't react like a child. I've been to counseling and i continue to choose forgiveness for those who hurt me.

Some scars are from people I've loved and lost.  I'm glad they left their mark.Those are beautiful scars!

I have scars from my own poor choices.  I've learned a lot from those scars.

I'm VERY proud of my scars from childbirth.  They remind me of my most precious gifts.

Some of my biggest scars are from motherhood.  Teaching, following through and being consistent. It hurts to see my children hurt and watching others hurt my kids or having to let them fail so they can learn from their failures. I worry about my children's faith. I worry when they make poor choices that negatively affect them. It's hard to allow my adult children to use their wings to fly and watching them falter as they get used to those wings. It hurts to know that I may have caused scars in my children. I wonder if I was good enough. I am blessed to have been chosen to serve God as a mother.<
I have scars that I carry because of someone else's poor choices, which have directly affected me.

One of the definitions of the word scar is "mental effect of distressing experience: a lasting effect on somebody's mind by a personal misfortune or unpleasant experience."  Another definition is" a mark on skin after damage: a mark left on the skin after a wound, burn or sore has healed over."

 As I ponder the scars that I carry, I think about the physical scars that are healed.  They tell a story.  The mental scars, they remind me of my need for Jesus.
I also have some scars from the jobs I've had. I've seen abuse and neglect and poverty up close, I've worked in a trauma center and watched families devastated by loss, I've sat by people as they've died in hospice, I've held the hand of women who have relinquished their child through adoption. Those are scars of service that I am honored to have walked with people. It is what I feel called to do.
Then there was a time when my own pain was so great, I could no longer reach out to others. I believe now I am at a place where I can look at some of the most traumatic and painful experiences in my life as the catalyst for my own personal growth.  Many wounds have healed but their lasting effects remain. I'm more compassionate with others as a result of my own scars. I can relate to pain. Pain doesn't always go completely away. It has changed me, made me more real and made me realize that everyone hurts. I am able to offer grace and mercy to people. I feel it is a gift born out of my own pain. My heart is forever changed. I can honestly say I am thankful for that. I could choose bitterness and anger but instead I choose to let God use me for His glory.


I love you Lord and I know you have scars because of me. I consider it an honor that you love me enough to have chosen the scars. Please use me significantly to impact others in your name. Give me opportunities to serve and love others.


2 comments:

White Lace and Promises said...

I have often said, it through our brokenness that we are able to heal others. I know that what I have been through has made me sensitive and as you said, "REAL." I can't deal with facade. I share my heart with honest, raw emotions because I feel that people need to see that others hurt too. I once saw a canvas wall art that said, "In this family, WE DO REAL!" Love your blog and will visit often. I don't know if I found you or you found me, but I'm glad we found each other. Will share more later.

Bonnie

White Lace and Promises said...

Oh yeah, BTW, I am starting a women's group called Jars of Clay (yes, I'm copying). I think your blog will be a real conversation piece for my girls! Thanks

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