Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I stopped writing. I needed to start living. Not that I can't do both, but I felt so broken in the midst of many trials and couldn't believe that I had anything worth sharing. So I stopped. There are certain trials that when you share with others, they gather around you and support you and there are other trials that especially as Christians, you just don't speak of. These are the kind of trials we were experiencing. So we walked through the dark haze of a grief so thick we could barely breath. We'd already experienced the pain of a child addicted to drugs, major depression and a suicide attempt in our extended family. This next experience, or better stated, this trauma shook us so hard, I couldn't see how we would ever recover. Not individually, not as a couple and not as a family. Here I am again pressing the familiar keys on my friend Mac because the dark haze has dulled to a light fog. When I think of how we are emerging, I envision a movie clip showing the characters in slow motion as they appear through the haze. They are dirty, bruised and bleeding but they are alive and they are together. Ok, so not that dramatic but you get the picture. Life is hard, it's messy and it's real. Your story may be different, but what I know to be true is that people may let you down but Jesus never will. In the end it is He who has sustained us. Things may not necessarily look the way I want them to but I am learning that God is ultimately in control. Not that he controls any of the bad things, but he can use all of it to bring about good. We are sometimes unable to see that in the midst of it but can only trust that He can use the ugliest stories for his ultimate glory. I know this because I have read some pretty ugly stories in the Bible where he does just that. Honestly, I just hoped my story wouldn't look so messy and hurt so much. I've recently found that the more real I am with people, the more they open up and share their own pain and messiness. I believe that God is going to use my family and our pain for his glory. How that will look is yet to be known by me. On June 11, 2012 I wrote the following in my journal: Lord, I will do ANYTHING for you, even if it hurts. I will not turn my back on you. Use me and mold me into who you would have me to be. He's still in the process of molding me.