Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Butterfly

This weekend I have been feeling so hopeless. It has been over a month and though I feel a little bit better, I am nowhere near normal. I see the doctor tomorrow.

In my attempt to remind myself of the things I love in my list of 100 things, I realized I forgot to mention the butterfly. Butterflies are beautiful and to me they are mesmerizing. I've been thinking a lot about butterflies lately and researched them a bit. I read a story about someone who was watching a butterfly emerge from it's cocoon. They were excited and impatient so they blew on the butterfly to get it to open its wings. The butterfly died. The moral of the story was that you can't hurry things along, they must happen in their own time.
I want to be free of this darkness. I want to participate in life again. I want to not feel like I want to scream when I'm around people. I am impatient.

I wish people could understand what a terrible illness depression is. The following are things I have been feeling:

  • Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
  • You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
  • You’re crying a lot for no apparent reason, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
  • You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
  • Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
  • Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
  • You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
  • Your friends and family really irritate you.

  • Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
  • It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
  • You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
  • You’re anxious and worried a lot.
  • Everything seems hopeless.
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right.

  • You have a feeling of impending doom - you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what, and/or...

  • In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
  • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
  • You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
  • Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
  • Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.
  • adapted from: Wings of Madness, Inc /
In my reading about the butterfly I also found out that during the Great Depression the butterfly became a symbol of hope. How interesting!
I need to continue to think about the butterfly because I need to believe there is hope for my future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Faith said...


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