Monday, March 29, 2010

When I am Weak Then I am Strong

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he [Jesus] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NIV)

What a great verse for me to hold on to! There are many lessons God is teaching me.

I am feeling impatient. I know right, shocking if you know me well! I want this to be over. I want to be in control once again. There's another lesson for me to learn-not having to control things all the time. Ok God, I believe you are using this to change me. Bring it on!

I can't believe how debilitating this is. How lonely. How painful. I have found some good blogs written by others who suffer from depression. Many of them know how to put into words how they are feeling much better than I can. Peter Stone wrote this poem;

5th Sept 1990 -
The Invisible Handicap

I have a handicap - but no one can see it.
I am not like someone who is crippled, whose handicap everyone can see.
I am not like my friend, who was born with his fingers deformed.
But like them, I do have a major handicap.
My nervous system is over-sensitive, and has been so all my life.
For the past nine months, it has developed a nervous habit,
Of over manufacturing fear related adrenalin,
Causing physical and emotional side effects.
But no one knows, no one can see it - only the couple of people I have told.
Sometimes I wish I had a visible handicap, and then people would know -
Know what I feel like and what I'm suffering from.

I have managed to pinpoint the main area of conflict,
That manages to cause so many problems in me.
The conflict lies between what I think I can do,
And what I really can do.
Because I have a capable and analytical mind,
Which can visualize me doing many things,
Yet only now I have finally learnt,
That my emotional system is mega-sensitive -
Over-sensitive, in fact.
It bruises and bleeds so easily, and affects me in so many ways.
I never realised that all "these" things that happen to me,
Have all been caused by this one thing.
I did not realise anything was wrong, and kept going.
The other problem is my lack of physical energy,
My mind never considers it when pondering what to do.

What he said about sensitivity rings so true with me. I don't just feel things, I feel them very deeply. It is I'm sure, partly what makes me a good social worker. But it also pains me.

So I will continue to move through the dark tunnel until I see the light knowing his grace is sufficient for me.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Waiting..

I feel frustrated today. I am not feeling as well as I'd hoped I would by now. I am less foggy for sure but have very little energy or desire to do anything. To put it bluntly, I am staying in bed most of the time. I feel as if life is passing me by. Don't get me wrong I don't feel hopeless, just anxious. I am very easily stressed and overwhelmed. I have a hard time being around the chaos that is our family. I am feeling like a terrible mother.

Both my parents and Kevin's parents have stepped in to care for the kids and the home. I am so thankful for that.

I've been spending a lot of time watching some of my favorite pastors speak via pod cast. I've heard Eaglebrook sermons, Open Door, Greg Boyd and Rob Bell. Watching movies or sermons or anything else is a good "escape" for me. I have also been encouraged by what I've heard. Many of you have been a good source of encouragement to me as well. Thank you.

I would ask you to please keep Kevin and the kids in your prayers as this is very hard on all of them.
Gina

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A New Day

Today I woke up and there was a song in my head! I take that as a good sign. I washed my hair and stayed downstairs with mom and dad and the kids for about 2 hours. That too is progress. I am still very low on energy and foggy and have many of the other symptoms I previously mentioned. I have struggled so much in the past week especially, but as always I do try to look at the positive in any bad situation. I am hopeful that I can beat this and move forward. I'm sure God will use me one day to help someone else struggling with depression. I can't wait for that day. Praise God for the little things!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

March 19, 2010

This week I finally succumbed to the depression that has been darkening my soul for many years. I have tried so hard to look and act happy. It was a lot of work to hide my depression. I can trace my first depressive feelings as far back as my sophomore year in college. It seems that over the years things have slowly gotten worse.

I feel low on energy to the point that I can't take care of myself or anyone else.
I feel sad all the time. I cry a lot.
I am very foggy and can't concentrate on anything. I find it hard to formulate words or express thoughts.
I would prefer to be alone than with people.
I am irritable and irrational.
I'm anxious.
I don't care about anything.

It has been a huge relief to me not to have to "hide" my depression. I never wanted to appear weak. I didn't want to be judged. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
I don't like anyone to see me like this, especially my kids.
There is no event which triggered this. In fact, I have a great life, great kids and a fabulous husband. I have no reason to be anything but happy. However, I have major depressive disorder. It's a problem in my brain. There is medication which can help the part of my brain that isn't working right. I am hopeful that the medication I have started taking will give me my life back.